Who are we really are and why are we doing what we are doing? In other words, what is our hidden agenda?
When I was asked this question during one of my therapy sessions, I remember feeling somehow offended. What do you mean by this? Who do you think I’m? Who do you think you are to insinuate something like this about me?
Hmm... was my inner reaction (well hidden by the pandemic mask). Once again, it proved its utility above and beyond the virus. Because it masked my emotions, my blushes, and my facial reactions so many times. What came as a curse turned into a blessing and here was the case.
For a while, after that day, the question was eating me alive, as I always thought I was a good and honest person, and for me, the "hidden agenda" construction was perceived as something negative, as manipulative and lacking fair play. So I started to ask myself all sorts of questions regarding my "why". all my WHYs! Basically, I started questioning my entire existence from as far as I could remember and everything I did and currently do, to find out why I did what I did and what led me to that.
I discovered interesting things, and mostly I discovered myself. I also discovered that having a hidden agenda is not necessary out of a bad will, a lack of honesty, or offending by any means. What this could actually mean is a lack of self-knowing, life experiences, environment, education pattern, and emotional trauma altogether.
Then and now
I won’t dive too much into my past choices now. I want to focus on the present moment with a projection into the future. I will, however, quickly mention a few of my most important previous choices, all of which had the same goal. Money!
I went to the university 6 years later, after I graduated high school, because I was terrified by the idea of 4 more years of struggle. Hence, I preferred to get a job, and in fact, a long series of jobs. When I finally decided to finally enrol in university, my first thought was to go for psychology. However, living in an ex-communist country in Eastern Europe, where most people associate seeing a shrink with being crazy, I quit, out of starving fear (again). And so I went to the Economics and Business Administration University.
I chose what I believed to be the sure path. So, again, a money decision.
How sure it was? Not at all!
It took me 9 months to find a job after I graduated. 9 f#&%ing months! only to get a non-technical job at a British multinational IT company on a minimum wage, because-guess what? I did not have a computer science degree. Yet, I accepted the job with a long-term perspective, knowing that once I improve my tech skills and get some certifications, I will gain the so-called "decent" income.
IT engineers are the second-best paid in Romania, after doctors.
And so it happened. We gathered a few co-workers so we could share the private lesson rate. The lessons took place in my apartment where the trainer was connecting his laptop to my LCD TV so we could all see and learn. Long story short, I soon (another 9 months) got a job in a technical department within the same company, and from there I spread my wings. Again, for the money.
Did I mention that the only two exams I failed during university were in informatics? Some will call it karma, some will call it faith, and I call it a money decision.
The true nature
My point with this story is that I was not honest with myself. I traded my true nature, which is the feminine bohemian creativity and artsy, for the cold, manly, mathematical digital world. I know I used way too many adjectives, but I just felt one alone could not describe me well enough.
Apart from the money, "responsible" for these decisions were my roots. Born during communist times and living my first 7 years during those times (which btw are the first and most important years in a human being's life, when the foundation of education and the most thinking patterns are being implemented into the conscient and subconscious brain) did leave a mark on me. I remember people with "superior education", and by this, I mean people who graduated from a university, aka highly educated, were considered intellectuals, the elite of society. My parents were part of the working class; hence for me to have a degree from a recognised university gave me their validation, my validation, the society's validation. At least, this is what I thought.
Obviously, nowadays, having a degree is not such a privilege. In addition, the job market is overly saturated with university degree applicants. Hence, I did not receive any validation from society; quite the opposite. You know... when reality strikes.
At last, I finally decided to follow what I was meant to do, so I started to work on my new project, all happy and confident, or not so confident, at least one day a week. Putting the puzzle pieces together, one by one, till... My therapist asked me WHY and came up with this "hidden agenda" thing. And just like that, I felt how everything was falling apart before even starting.
But then again, I went back to my childhood and I remembered how I used to sew clothes for my dolls and, later, when I was a teenager, I used to sew by hand skirts and tops for going out to "Discoteca" (that’s how we used to call dancing clubs back in the days). I also remember my girls’ friends used to ask me to style their outfits, even cut their hair sometimes, do their makeup, or borrow some of my handmade clothes. Weirdly enough, what is now considered a sustainable approach to fashion, for us, used to be the norm. So, since I always gravitated towards clothes, styling, altering, repurposing, and mixing them, it only felt natural to make a living out of it.
Intentions
The hidden agenda made me think further and realise that there is a link between how we dress and our intentions, all supported by so-called colour psychology. Obviously, this is not new news, but have you ever thought of it? Like really, though?
I was always strategic in how I presented myself because it had the potential to define me in people's eyes. Fashion and beyond that, our personal style still influences how people see us, and that's not fair. That's not right, but it's true. Fashion isn't just fashion, it's how you turn it into your tool rather than being a victim of it.
There's a lot of thought that we put into it when deciding what to put on, especially for notable events. It's more like costume dressing; we are dressing for the role, and then it's about to let's move the conversation on to what she's/he's doing. Research proved that it only takes 7 seconds to create an impression. Some people lose a job even before having the chance to prove themselves. How unfair and shallow is not the topic here. It is what it is!
OK, let's embrace the fact that we will get shoes not just to match our clothes but who we want to be as professionals or to present ourselves in society, especially nowadays, having this forward-thinking and embracing diversity in all aspects.
I personally got to a stage in life where I don’t have to dress for others. I dress for myself. I’m building my outfits in a way to reflect that I like to travel virtually, in both imaginary and real worlds. I study a lot, I archive a lot because that's the only way I can think and create instinctively.
My approaches are not comfortable. I’m not easy to please in my searches and I’m not looking for easy. I’m searching and researching with the frenzy of an archaeologist, a mathematician, or an artist. I search, I create, I twist. I believe style should be about dreams and quests.
What’s your "hidden agenda" when you choose how to dress?
P.S. The top from the picture is 15 years old and was designed by me, and so is my extra large flower brooch.
I'm assessing fashion and iconic characters through the lens of cultural theory, with a focus on symbolism, art, and anthropological references. Making connections between diverse things and thinking extensively about a particular topic is what my reflections entail.